I have been thinking
a lot about a statement in my last post where I commented that
despite Spring being violent and controlling, that I never felt like
a victim of her abuse. The question I have been mulling over is: why?
After all, Spring was violent enough early in our relationship to
cause me permanent physical damage (my septum is shifted far enough
that the airflow through my left nostril is only about half what it
is through the right one) and throughout the marriage and divorce she
tried her best to control me. In fact, one of the marriage
counselors, a minster she knew, flatly told her that her behavior was
evil and passive-aggressive and the professional marriage counselor
we met with asked me if I was sure I wouldn't be better off without
her.
I think the key
reason I did not feel like a victim was because I truly believed that
I could help her and things would work out in the end. I had hope. I
believed that I had helped her overcome overt violence and
honestly, although perhaps egotistically, believed that I could help
her overcome her other demons. And just as important, I had married
her and chosen not to leave her. I wasn't quaking in fear from
feeling trapped. It was just the way it was.
I wonder how others
in similar situations react. I am sure many feel abused and certainly
Spring's behavior would qualify as criminal domestic violence. It
would be easy to say that a woman would feel abused and a man
wouldn't but I don't think that is accurate. I know many men that
under their wife's thumb, far more, in fact, than the other way
around. Although I recognize this view may reflect my gender and
experience, most evidence does not show much, if any, difference in
gender for the perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse.
Ultimately, I think
that it drove Spring crazy that she couldn't make me fearful.
Abusive, controlling people get no satisfaction if they cannot induce
fear and Spring could not achieve this with me. She couldn't induce
fear through violence nor could she do it through bad behavior. In
the end, she used the divorce system to hurt me. In fact, hurting me
was the whole point of the divorce. Sadly, since the divorce it has
become clear she desires to hurt the kids just as much.
Now that I have lost
the vast majority of every material asset I accumulated both before
and during the marriage and have became a de facto slave for Spring,
it might come as a surprise that still don't feel like her victim.
I think Spring is a person who has a very broken moral compass and
major behavioral problems. I am simply sad for her and feel bad that I
failed to help her.
But I assuredly do
feel like a victim from the legal system. The fact that Spring and
her lawyer Nelly Wince were able to use perjury, fraud and lies to
take so much from the children and me is a such a nightmare that it
is difficult to convey the true horror of it. The abusive party is
the divorce system. It is Nelly Wince, Judge Mearly, the LawyersProfessional Responsibility Board and all the others who committed,
aided and abetted the crimes and unethical acts that were committed.
Certainly the laws need to be changed, but first current law must be
followed and not treated like a joke by the legal system. When judges
refuse to even talk to the children to determine if allegations are
true or not and evidence of the highest possible caliber is simply
ignored, it really doesn't matter what the law is. The divorce system
treats the law much like Al Capone did. This has to change or it will
destroy our society.
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